


Everyone Has A Past Even If They've Tried To Forget It

by Tillymint



Category: Holby City
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Eating Disorders, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, brief mention of eating disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-10-16 22:52:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 15,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10581156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tillymint/pseuds/Tillymint
Summary: There is something in Bernie's past she has not acknowledged but that's about to change





	1. The Realisation

**Author's Note:**

> This does feature chapters on eating disorders, control and post traumatic stress. Please be advised.

How does it feel to lose control, how do you know that you are losing control? Bernie seemed to find herself asking these questions every day but she never comes up with an answer. 

There are times in her life when for a single second when she forgets her past and she is truly happy in that moment but the thought is never far away and always seems to return stronger.

She has tried to fight her thoughts but she is never successful, they are always present, overshadowing every aspect of her life. She is too scared to admit the truth to herself let alone anyone else. Bernie believes that she has kept her secret hidden from all but she is wrong. Her partner, Serena, knows her too well and knows that there is something that is unspoken between them, something that Bernie feels is huge, something yet to be processed and acknowledged. She doesn't know what and she doesn't know if she ever will know but she does know no matter what she will always support her best friend with anything. 

There are times on the ward after Bernie has been working with a young patient that she will take herself off to the on call room or the roof and just sit quietly. The first time Serena noticed she was missing she panicked. There was a time she would expect Bernie to run away but things had changed, Bernie had changed, she was stronger now, she had stopped running. That first time, Serena found Bernie in the on call room, curled up quietly sobbing, Bernie didn't hear her enter and Serena stayed for a couple of seconds before closing the door behind her and leaving Bernie to her privacy never knowing she was there. Serena continues to do this every time Bernie is upset, never knowing why and thinking that Bernie doesn't notice but she does. She always notices but she never reacts. She's grateful that Serena is there but also feels vulnerable that Serena has seen her like that. They never speak about it, it starts to feel like a natural part of their relationship.

Serena is also aware that if Bernie smells certain smells or hears certain phases her body makes the slightest change. Nobody but Serena would ever notice, she isn't even sure if Bernie notices that she changes. 

There are times when Serena wants to grab Bernie by the waist and hold her tight but she doesn't. She isn't sure if this is what Bernie wants and she does not want to get it wrong. She loves Bernie with all her heart and does not want to pressure her or to make her feel weak. She hopes Bernie knows that she is there for her. 

Both Serena and Bernie were working the same shift. It had been a busy day for both, it had started with them working on a trauma together in the morning but the afternoon became too busy and both had to take separate patients.

Serena spent most of the afternoon in theatre treating a patient who had been injured in a motorbike hit and run. It was a fairly easy surgery for Serena who had completed the surgery hundreds of times it was just time consuming so she knew she wouldn't be able to offer any support on the ward for the rest of her shift as the surgery would take her long into the night.

Bernie had been assigned to treating a young girl of sixteen who had been brought in after been found wandering the streets alone and bruised. The girl was refusing to speak or let herself be examined. She just stared, said nothing and stared. 

There was no name to this girl, no ID, no next of kin, nothing. Bernie was concerned, something didn't feel right. Something in her mind was screaming at her, she tried to push the memories back. Her body stiffened, stood at the nurses station she couldn't move.

To anyone passing she looked like normal Bernie, but she felt trapped, trapped in her own body. Her mind, her memories, her thoughts working over time but she couldn't get her body to do what she wanted. She wanted to run to the roof, to the on call room. She wanted to be anywhere but on the ward. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to scream and she wanted to run to anywhere.

For the first time in what felt like forever Bernie felt ready to acknowledge what was in her head and all she wanted to do was run. She didn't want to run away though, she wanted to run straight to Serena, straight to her partner. Bernie wanted to be held and she wanted to know everything was ok, Bernie needed to share her memories of the past and wanted to with Serena, she needed her more than she ever had in the past and without thinking ran straight to the theatre Serena was working in.

She stood there looking at Serena frantically speaking but not making sense, Serena looked terrified, she had not seen Bernie like this. The surgery was nearly complete, it had gone well and Serena was just about to close. She didn't take her eyes off Bernie who was still not speaking coherently. 

Bernie started to panic nothing made sense, she couldn't understand herself, all she could focus on was the look on Serena's face as everything started to spin.

I've lost control was all Serena heard as Bernie fell to the floor.


	2. Denial

"Bernie!" Serena screamed. She wanted to run to her but couldn't. She was almost finished with the surgery and could get someone else to close but she had a couple more minutes before someone else could take over. 

"Someone help her, now!" Serena ordered and get Raf in here too. The look of concern on Serenas face had everyone panicked and they moved at twice the speed they would normally.

Raf ran into theatre at speed thinking there had been a problem with the surgery. It took him a moment to notice the chaos that had broken out. 

"Raf, I need you to look after her. Please." Raf couldn't be sure but he thought he saw tears in Serena's eyes. 

Rad didn't say anything. He concentrated on looking at Bernie, her pulse was steady and she had some colour returning to her cheeks. 

"It looks like she's fainted Serena. I will take her to the ward and check her over. Was she feeling unwell this morning at all" he asked her. 

Bernie still hadn't come round properly, which was concerning Serena.

"Raf can you try and make sure nobody sees her, she would hate that." Serena enquired. 

Bernie was still not conscious enough to walk, he knew he wouldn't be able to move her on his own. He paged the one person he knew would help. 

Within a couple of minutes Fletch arrived find Bernie and Raf sat in the recovery room arguing. You could cut the tension with a knife.   
"I am walking out of here and you cannot stop me" Bernie was saying to which Raf was arguing back. "Have you met Serena Campbell? What she says goes and she gave me strict instructions to check you over. She is far more scarier than you every try to be. So please be quiet and let me look" Raf almost chuckled at her. 

Fletch looked so confused at this. He knew he must have missed something but what, he wasn't sure. 

"Fletcher mate will you get a wheelchair?" Raf asked. 

"Absolutely not. I will walk if you insist on checking me over" Bernie barked at them both. 

"Berenice Wolfe, sit yourself back down this instance and listen to Raf. I don't want to hear another word unless you are agreeing with him" Serena made sure Bernie knew she was being serious. 

Fletch took this as a nod to get the wheelchair.

"I'm going to just scrub out and I will come and see you. We need to talk, I need to find out what's going on. You told me you'd lost control. What did you mean?" Serena asked.

"I don't remember. I'm sure it will come back to me" Bernie avoided eye contact with Serena. 

"Right Ms Wolfe your chariot awaits" Fletch said as he returned. If looks could kill he was pretty sure he would have been dead by now.

With gritted teeth Bernie agreed to get into the chair under the one condition that she was taken to the on call room and not the ward and that nobody saw her. She sent Raf out first to check the cost was clear and Fletch wheeled her out. 

Just as she was leaving she heard Serena's voice. "Can I have your attention please, everyone. If I hear any rumours about what happened here today I will personally make sure it is the last thing you do at this hospital. Is that clear?" 

Bernie smiled, Serena had her back. She relaxed a little at this. 

"Right Ms Wolfe, onto the bed please" Raf said. 

"Any other time and I might have to tell Serena you asked me to bed" Bernie said with a wicked glint in her eye. 

Raf didn't know how to react. He knew Serena and her sense of humour but Bernie was still a mystery to him. 

"Bernie Wolfe, leave the poor man alone. Raf don't worry she gets like this when she's trying to hid things and pretend things are ok."

Bernie looked like she had been rumbled. Serena knew her too well. 

"Why do you always know when something isn't right?" Bernie asked. 

"Well my love, you came into theatre saying you'd lost control and then collapsed. I don't think there was anyway of not knowing. Do you?"

Bernie gave a small laugh and then she remembered. She remembered running into theatre. She remembered in that moment all she wanted all she needed was Serena. She suddenly felt a wave of emotion hit her like a train. Her hand tightened around Serena's. 

"Raf, can you leave us for a few minutes. I'll call you if we need anything." Serena smiled and mouthed thank you to him as he left. 

She pulled Bernie closer "now what's all this about" she said as Bernie snuggled into her shoulder. "What do you think you've lost control of?" As soon as the words where out of Serena's mouth, Bernie couldn't say anything, she just cried. A cry Serena hadn't heard from Bernie ever, it was a cry that worried her. 

"Breathe darling, in and out, in and out, that's it, you're ok. I'm here, just focus on me and when you're ready talk to me. Please Bernie, when you can I need you to talk."


	3. Accepting

"That's it Bernie, slow your breathing down. Find something to focus on, don't worry I won't let you go" Serena said. 

Bernie didn't say anything she just sat clinging onto Serena as if her life depended on it. She wanted to speak but she couldn't find the words. 

She has grateful to Serena being there with her. Protecting her and keeping her safe. She wasn't use to this, she was the strong one normally but not this time. 

Bernie started to relax Serena could feel her breathing return to normal. 

"Now tell me what this is all about Bernie" Serena said with the look of worry etched onto her eyes. 

Bernie looked at her partner deep into her eyes and opened her mouth but nothing came out. 

"Ok, my love. How about saying anything" Serena asked. 

"Like what?" Came a quiet response. 

"That's good, at least I know you can still talk" Serena said with a slight smile as she tightened her grip on Bernie's hand. 

"What do you remember before you came into theatre?" 

Bernie looked at Serena, she saw the love she held for her and wanted to open up and let her in. However Bernie knew that this was not an easy feat.

She had never let anyone in before. Her past remained her past and she had learnt to deal with it on her own as she'd always felt she was alone. 

Things were different now though with Serena. She wasn't alone and she never would be. Bernie just needed the courage to open up, she would find it she was sure but she just needed time. 

"There was a patient on the ward. It just hit my hard. My thoughts then started to spin. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I just needed you. And then everything went dark." Bernie said tears running down her face just remembering the incident. 

Serena could see the pain in her eyes.

"Hey, hey, don't cry. You're safe my love. I'm here. If you want to stop we can talk about something else." Serena said as she wiped the tears from Bernie's eyes. 

Serena had never seen Bernie so vulnerable it was breaking her heart. She desperately wanted to know what Bernie was so upset about what she had been holding on to for so long but she wouldn't push her. 

"Bernie, you don't look so good. Are you ok, you're really pale" Serena said concerned. 

She felt Bernie's pulse which was slower then normal. 

"Bernie, I'm just going to get Raf, just lie back and I won't be a second" Serena kissed her head as she left the room. 

Within seconds she was back with Raf right behind her. When they entered the room Bernie looked paler than when Serena left and her pulse was still low. 

"Bernie, can you hear me?" Raf asked. He looked at Serena. 

Bernie didn't respond but just looked through them. 

"Serena what's going on?" Raf asked. 

"I've no idea really, she's hiding something, some sort of trauma and I think this is her way of dealing with it. She feels alone and I can't get through to her. Raf, I have an idea. Will you just check her pulse in a minute" Serena asked as she climbed onto the bed with Bernie and pulled her in close. 

Serena started singing, stand by me, softly to Bernie, her favourite song. Within seconds her pulse had increased to normal and she was more awake. 

Raf looked at them and Serena nodded and he left them alone, closing the door behind him. 

"I'm here Bernie, I'll stand by you no matter what. But i do need you to talk because I'm worried. Please can you do that? Serena asked. 

Bernie turned to face Serena. 

"It's something from my past I've never told anyone and I'm scared to say out loud but if you're prepared to listen. I'll try and explain things, will you please be patient with me though?" Bernie asked. 

"Of course my love, take your time. I love you" Serena kissed Bernie and looked into her eyes. 

Bernie knew there was no going back she had to speak to Serena she had to admit the truth. She needed to confront her past.


	4. Admitting.

Bernie took a deep breath. It was now or never. She needed to be honest. She needed admit and accept her past. She knew she would never truly be able to move on with her life until she opened up to Serena. 

Bernie looked deep into Serena's eyes as she spoke, continually looking for reassurance. 

"It started when I was sixteen, before I joined the army. In fact it was the main reason why I joined the army." Bernie started looking so vulnerable. 

Serena grabbed hold of Bernie's hand. "You're doing well love, keep going. Actually give me one minute" Serena said as she grabbed her mobile out of her pocket. 

"Raf, its me, no she's fine, can you do me a favour though, can you make sure nobody enters this room until I say? Thanks Raf" Serena said as she hung up the phone. 

"Sorry love, I didn't want to leave you but I also don't want anyone to interrupt, I can tell this is hard for you and I don't want someone coming in when you're at your most vulnerable. I know you're not pleased that I am seeing you like this but I'm proud of you" Serena said. 

Bernie looked at her with pure love in her eyes. She took another breath in ad continued. 

"I met someone when I had a part time job. He seemed perfect. So nice, but he was older. A fair bit older to be fair. I kept it a secret from everyone. Even my best friend. My parents would never have allowed it but I was young I would have argued with them if they'd had said anything. It went on and off for a few months. When he wanted something he was as nice as anything, when he didn't he'd disappear for days on end and I'd not hear from him. I never said no to him but" Bernie didn't end that sentence she just looked at Serena. 

Serena sat silently just listening. She didn't need her to finish the sentence to know what she meant. 

"I didn't know how to cope. I felt like I'd lost control. The only way I felt I could cope was to stop eating. There was a point it got so bad but still I kept it to myself. I preferred to hide myself away from everyone. Making excuses to why I wasn't hungry and as far as I'm aware nobody noticed. I think I felt isolated a lot. I needed someone to care for me, to genuinely care for me. That's why I enlisted into the army. I needed to structure. The tightness of a bond of people. I needed control back in my life. I needed discipline in my life. I wanted to get stronger and I knew that would help. I knew I'd have to push myself and I knew I needed to get better. I wasn't going to let my past ruin my future. There were times I'd almost forget but then something would happen to bring it all back up again" Bernie said. 

She could see the tears rolling down Serena's face. She didn't want to hurt her. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything" Bernie said removing her hand from Serena's. 

Serena without thinking grabbed her hand straight back. 

"No you don't. You don't get to pull away. These tears, Bernie, are because of what you've been through, because I couldn't take the pain away. Because you've been brave enough to tell me, to let me in on something you've never shared with anyone. I'm proud of you" Serena said. 

"I've never felt comfortable enough to tell anyone before. I've never even considered telling anyone. There are times when I still struggle so much, there are times where I feel like I'm completely out of control but it doesn't last as long anymore. The patient today, she'd been through something similar, she came in dehydrated and refusing to eat anything. I was already having a bit of a difficult time and it didn't take much for me to feel like everything was on top of me. It got too much and then all this happened" Bernie said. 

Bernie and Serena just sat in silence looking at each other. Tears rolling down their faces. 

"Well done Bernie, I'm so proud of you. I will never push you to talk about it again but if you need to talk please don't hide yourself from me. I love you."

"I won't. I love you too Serena Campbell, how about you take me home now. I think we both need robbery at home" Bernie said. 

Serena picked up her phone and called the nurses station again not wanting to leave Bernie for a second. 

She made sure both her and Bernie and looked respectable before Raf entered the room. 

"Raf, can you just quickly give Bernie the once over. I want to take her home" she asked. 

"Serena, I'm fine and you're a doctor too you can see I'm fine. I just need our bed" Bernie sighed. 

Raf ignored her, he had seen the look from Serena and knew it was not worth ignoring her and listening to Serena. 

"Serena, I think you might need to take to Henrik, I think it would be best for me to have a couple of days off" Bernie looked directly at Serena. Raf can check me over while you speak to him. "Tell him the truth though, you'll need support too and I know he thinks a lot about you."

"Bernie are you sure, I don't have to say anything?"

Raf looked at both women, he noticed the look of confusion on Serena's face but when he looked at Bernie she looked relaxed. Like the weight of the world had been removed from her shoulders. 

"Serena, I'm sure. Go and see him and then take me home" Bernie said with a half smile.


	5. Support

Serena took a deep breath as she stood outside Henriks door. After the count of three she knocked. 

"Come in" came the reply. 

Serena pushed open the door to reveal Henrik sat at his desk. 

"To what do I owe this pleasure Ms Campbell?" He asked. 

Serena couldn't say anything, she just burst into tears. Henrik stood up and walked round to Serena and pulled out a chair for her to sit on as he offered her a tissue. 

"What's happened Serena?" He enquired with concern in his voice. 

"Bernie needs some time off. There was a incident in theatre today. She's not been feeling herself recently and everything came to a head this morning. I also want to take some time too, if I can. I need to be with her." Serena replied. 

"I had heard of an incident in theatre"

"I thought I'd warned everyone about speaking about that" Serena almost growled. 

"Bernie rang on your way up here. She didn't think you'd be able to tell me so she explained. She really is strong Serena" he said as he touched her arm. "You can have as much time as needed. I'm here Serena. I know you are there for Bernie but she's had a word with me. She wants me to support you. So if you need anything day or night call me" he said with a smile. 

Serena just looked at him. After everything Bernie had just told her she was still looking out for Serena. She really did love her. 

"Thanks Henrik, I'll speak to you soon" Serena said as she left. 

Once outside the door she inhaled deeply and smiled. No matter what Bernie would always look after Serena no matter what occurred. 

As she headed back downstairs her phone rang. Bernie's name flashed up. 

"Hello?" Serena said slowly. "Is everything ok"

"Yes, Raf said I was fine so I left the ward and headed to Albies to get a bottle to take home, think we could do with it. I'll meet you at the entrance, love you" Bernie said as she hung up. 

Serena smiled. She knew even if things were not going to be the same Bernie would be ok. She was strong and she would heal.


	6. Control

It didn't take long for Serena get to Bernie. She saw her stood leaning on the entrance. Serena felt her heart ache. She loved this woman so much but she had no idea of the pain that Bernie had been hiding. She new that there was still more that Bernie needed to admit but she wouldn't push, Bernie would tell her in her own time. Serena just knew she would remain by her side offering support when Bernie needed it. 

Bernie turned round, "hurry up Campbell" Bernie said with a smile "it's freezing, I have a bottle of wine and need to get home to drink it"

"Just the one bottle" Serena looked shocked but laughed.

"What do you take me for" Bernie turned to reveal a bag with a couple more bottles.

"My type of girl" Serena laughed.

She has expected to feel awkward knowing what she did, but it didn't. It felt like it had always done, there was just love there between the pair, even with the new information their relationship was strong, nothing could break it.

"Do you mind driving tonight?" Bernie asked a little unsure.

Serena wasn't use to this, Bernie usually loved driving because she was in control. Serena stopped the realisation dawning on her. 

"Are you ok Serena?" Bernie asked looking concerned. 

"Yes, yes, no problem, I fine" Serena said far too quickly to reassure Bernie. Serena could tell on her face. "I'm sorry, you just normally like to drive because you like to be in control but I've just thought about what you said back on the ward. That's the reason why isn't it?" Serena asked.

Bernie looked at the floor. 

"It's ok, you don't need to answer." Serena said reaching for her hand. 

Bernie looked up and just nodded, this was all Serena needed. 

"Right then, Ms Wolfe, car keys please" Serena said with a smile trying to reassure Bernie. 

She did as she was asked and handed over the keys. She could feel a certain anxiety building up in her, she never let anyone else drive but she trusted Serena and she wanted to let her in. She might not be able to vocalise everything right now but she could try and show her things. 

The drive home was standard, no problems with traffic, the radio was the only noise in the car. Bernie chose to stare out the window, Serena looked across at Bernie's profile and felt the love in her heart. Bernie was aware Serena was looking at her but didn't take her eyes away from the window. Instead she reached her hand across and placed it on Serena's knee. Serena smiled and left it there without saying a word.

Once she pulled up Serena expected Bernie to open the door and move towards the house but she didn't she sat in the car looking forward without removing her seat belt. 

"Bernie, darling, are you ok?" Serena asked turning to face her. Bernie's hand remained however on Serena's knee.

There was silence, Bernie's gaze remained forward, tears coming down her face. Serena wanted nothing more than to lean across and pull her partner into her arms but she didn't know if this was for the best, she was unsure of what Bernie wanted.

"Serena" Bernie managed to choke out.

"Yes, sweetie" Serena replied, Bernie could hear the love in her voice.

"Can you hold me" Bernie said and turned her head to look at Serena, tears rolling down her face now. 

Serena instantly leapt across to Bernie's side and enveloped her into a hug pulling her close and trying to comfort her.

"You're ok, sweetie. I am with you. You are safe" Serena said soothingly.

They remained in the embrace for a couple of minutes until Serena could tell that Bernie wasn't crying as much, the tears had started to stop. Serena kept one arm touching Bernie but leant back to under her seatbelt which Bernie was still wearing. 

"Bernie, do you think we can go into the house?" Serena asked. Bernie just nodded. "Shall I come and open your door" Serena enquired.

"Don't shut me in Serena" Bernie looked like a terrified child. 

"How about I lean over you and open the door, then get out and shut mine and then help you out, that way there's always a door open?" Serena didn't let the fear show in her voice. Bernie had been ok before getting in the car, something must have triggered a memory. Serena thought about the journey. It was the same way they always went, there had been nothing different. Nothing different at all, only Serena driving. It was then she realised, Serena had driven, something she had never done. Bernie always drove, no matter where they went. That was the trigger, Serena driving, not the journey.

"It's the car isn't it. Bernie what happened" Serena asked before she could stop herself. "No you don't need to answer that now, lets get you in the house first." Serena did as she said, she leant across Bernie to open her door and as quick as she could she got out of her side and was around to Bernie.

"Come on sweetie, time to get inside" Serena said as she held her arm out. Bernie reached out and felt Serena's skin and felt relaxed. She stood outside of the car and took a deep breath. She had realised she must have been holding her breath because she suddenly felt very dizzy. "I've got you" Serena said and she held onto Bernie. 

"Remember you are safe" Serena said looking directly into Bernie's eyes. "We are home, just us."

Bernie nodded and allowed Serena to steer her into the house. Bernie put her bag on the kitchen side and sighed and looked directly and Serena. 

"I think there's more I need to tell you" Bernie said.

"Do you want to start with the car?" Serena asked keeping a distance from Bernie and letting her lead. 

Bernie stepped forward into the arms of Serena and just nodded after a couple of minutes she stepped back.

"The car" Bernie said.


	7. Honesty

Bernie took a deep breathe and closed her eyes. There had been a time she had learnt the art of relaxation and to think of a happy place to try and help focus her mind. She focused on her breathing, inhaling slowly through the nose and out through her mouth, all the time picturing standing at the edge of the sea. 

She became aware of Serena sitting next to her. She could sense the worry from Serena without having to open her eyes. She leaned across and took hold of her hand. "The car" Bernie said again as she opened her eyes to look at her partner.

She didn't expect Serena to reply but she did, "only if you want to darling. You need to do this for you. I want to help you but I am not going to push you"

Bernie nodded. She loved Serena, she never thought she would be in this situation. She had made a life for herself ignoring the past, well trying to ignore the past. There were times she managed without a problem and there were times it was at the fore front of her mind. 

She truly had felt relief after admitting things to Serena when they were in the hospital room. She thought she had told her enough to make herself feel better but the car journey seemed to undo that feeling.

For as long as she could remember Bernie always drove, she had never let friends drive her. It was different for some reason with taxi's that didn't effect her, it was just being in the car and being driven by friends or family that made her anxious. 

"Remember what I said on the ward" Bernie started. 

Serena just stared at her partner, how could she forget, Bernie hadn't said the words and she didn't ever need to but Serena knew what she implied and she was never going to make her best friend relive it by telling her.

Bernie could see this in her eyes and gave Serena a weak smile.

"Because everything was a secret, we would meet in his car. We would drive to isolated places and I wouldn't know where I was. At first I found it thrilling, it was so exciting, I was so young and inexperienced, looking back now I didn't understand what was going on, what position I was putting myself in. I soon wised up though. We would start driving for longer periods of time. Paranoia setting in, dark streets, twisting roads, industrial estates. The doors would lock and I would be trapped. There would be silence, no talking. No love, no reassurance, nothing. I was trapped in more ways then one and I couldn't escape" the tears now filling in Bernie's eyes. 

There was such emotion there when she was talking, Serena had never seen Bernie like this ever, even after losing close friends Bernie would not show emotion. Serena thought quickly about what to say but she couldn't find the words. Instead she just looked straight at her partner, straight into her eyes. 

Bernie was the first to look away, she didn't want Serena to have to deal with this and she tried to pull away.

"No you don't" Serena said as she tightened her grip around Bernie. "You can stay right here" the words left Serena's mouth before she thought. She quickly let Bernie go "I didn't mean it like that"

Bernie looked at Serena and moved closer. "I want to stay right here" she said as she nestled into Serena looking for any comfort she could get. Serena breathed a sigh of relief. 

"This cannot change anything between us, Serena, I need you to promise me that." Serena could tell the fear in Bernie's eyes.

"I promise sweetie, nothing will change, I will however be here for you any time that you need. I know there is still things you are holding onto and I know there will be a time when you continue to share, this is your recovery and I will aid anyway possible. You have to promise that you will talk to me though, I don't care when but please do not bottle anything up again." Serena said kissing Bernie on the top of the head.

"I promise" Bernie replied looking into Serena's eyes. "Now I think, we have a bottle of wine to get through don't we?" Bernie said as she kissed Serena on the lips. 

Serena looked taken aback, she wasn't expecting that, she wasn't expecting to have any physical contact like that with Bernie at all after what had happened today. Serena smiled back as she watched Bernie get up and go to the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of wine and glasses. She wanted to say that it wasn't a good idea after the last conversation that they had had but Serena knew that it wouldn't go down well. 

Bernie did drink from time to time but as she poured the wine into the glasses Serena couldn't help worrying Bernie was drinking to try and forget what was happening. She knew she couldn't say anything, she knew Bernie would deny it, Serena knew she would be the one tonight that had one glass only, she would be the one putting Bernie to bed later, she knew Bernie would spend the entire night crying after drinking, something Bernie didn't know Serena knew about. Serena knew she would spend the night comforting her partner, holding her close, supporting her. Serena knew she would be her rock. She also knew Bernie would talk more after a drink, she took her glass and slowly sipped the Shiraz watching Bernie almost down her first glass and start pouring a second. 

Serena thought about the night ahead of her, it was going to be hard for her in more ways then one.


	8. Avoiding

"I know what you are thinking Serena, and its not going to work. You are thinking I am going to drink so much and spill my deepest darkest secrets, well I am not. I am just going to enjoy my drink, something which you know all too well" Bernie spluttered. 

She had been drinking for the past couple of hours. Serena had given up trying to talk her out of it. Bernie had two personalities when drunk, there was Bernie who was loving and wanting to be everyone's friend and then there was Bernie who hated everyone and would be in a self destruct mode. Serena rarely saw the second Bernie but tonight, it was this Bernie that seemed to be present. 

She was becoming nasty with her words. Something Serena knew she would regret the instant she sobered up. She was trying to protect herself from the sting of hurt that she was feeling from Bernie's words but it was difficult. 

They had spent the evening sat in the living room. They had talked at first, Bernie starting to open up a little more. Serena couldn't work out after how many drinks Bernie suddenly changed, it was in an instant that it happened. She had tried to reason with her partner but to no avail. She sighed as she stood up.

"Bernie, as much as I love you, I need to go to bed. You aren't in a great place and I am not helping your mood" Serena said gently. 

Bernie didn't respond, she just finished her drink. Serena took a step forward as a hand reached out to grab her. Bernie caught Serena by the wrist, it was probably a little tighter than she had meant. Serena jumped back a little clearly taken aback. Bernie dropped her glass and froze. She didn't say anything but she realised Serena's arm. 

Serena thought about saying something but she didn't think it was appropriate. No matter how much she loved Bernie there were times she needed space and there were times when Bernie pushed her too much and this was one of those times. Serena chose to ignore what had just happened and made her way to her bedroom. 

Once there she allowed herself to breathe. She sighed as she turned on the taps in the bathroom to start getting ready for bed. She let the water flow and stood staring in the mirror. What had happened, how had she got to this place. She was supposed to support Bernie, yet Bernie was turning on her. Serena knew this was the drink but she was surprised at how much this hurt. 

She slid down the wall and cried, leaving the taps running in case Bernie came upstairs, she didn't want her to hear. She wanted this hurt to be dealt with in private. She did not need Bernie to know and she did not want her to know either. 

Serena took a couple of deep breathes and stood herself up again, she washed her face and turned the taps off. She finished getting ready for bed in the bathroom. Any other time she would have got changed in the bedroom but tonight she felt different. She didn't want to bump into Bernie while getting changed. When she emerged the bedroom was still empty, she could hear Bernie banging around downstairs, she wasn't sure if she had got another drink or was just making noise. She really wanted to go down and check on her but she knew it wasn't the right thing for either of them, it would just end in an argument that neither of them wanted. 

She decided bed was the best option, she climbed into her side looked at the clock reading 23.45 and closed her eyes. Serena was awoken by a noise she recognised, she looked at the clock 2.35. She wasn't sure what time Bernie had come to bed but she was there now. This was not how she thought the night would have gone, she thought she might have managed to have an actual conversation with Bernie instead of listening to some of the hurtful things she had said. However one thing she had been right about was Bernie crying after drinking.

Serena turned over gently, to see Bernie with her back to her. Serena could see her shoulders moving, she could see she wasn't just crying, she was sobbing. Serena reached an arm out, stopping just before touching Bernie, debating whether or not it was the right thing to do. She quickly pushed the thought away, of course it was. Bernie was hurting, she didn't know how to explain her feelings, she had lost control and she was trying to find a way to cope. Admittedly it was wrong how she had spoken to Serena, but Serena understood the reason why. Bernie was looking for a way to express her feelings, Serena didn't have to agree with her methods but she understood.

Then without hesitated she pulled Bernie close "its ok, Bernie, I've got you" she felt Bernie pull her arms tighter, "you are safe and I love you" Serena said resting her head on Bernie, kissing the top of her head, "sleep now, I wont let you go" Serena knew that she would not be able to sleep now, it didn't matter, she would keep her promise to Bernie all night, she would not let her go. She would lie there next to her, holding her all night keeping her safe just so she knew she could sleep without worrying.


	9. Building

Serena waiting for the sun to start to rise before moving. As she had promised she had not let Bernie go all night, she had remained by her side holding her close. She was there for the support, she knew she loved this woman more then her words could ever say and she would do anything to protect her. 

She glanced over Bernie to the clock on her side of the bed, 05.30, Serena had been awake for hours, she felt exhausted but there was noway she was ever going to let Bernie know that. She was the support, she was the strong one now. There had been many times Bernie was there for Serena, now it was Serena's turn.

She gently moved her arms from around Bernie but still did not leave the room. She slowly edged to the end of the bed and tried to get out quietly without distrubing Bernie. She had managed to get halfway across the room before Bernie woke.   
She looked unsure of herself, she looked directly at Serena and looked away. Serena couldnt be sure but Bernie looked embarassed. Serena couldnt bare the thought that Bernie was embarassed, forgetting that she had needed the toliet for hours she almost sprinted across to Bernie and envoloped her into a hug.

"No you don't" Serena said.

Bernie was stiff, she didn't return the hug. 

"Bernie, you are not to be embarrassed about anything, do not shut me out" Serena said refusing to break the hug.

Bernie took a deep breath and relaxed into Serena finally returning the hug.

Serena felt a sense of gratitude, she was pleased Bernie hugged her back. Bernie clung on tightly as if she left go Serena would disappear.

"I am so sorry about last night" Bernie started.

"Stop, there is nothing to apologise for" Serena said, she wasn't sure if Bernie remembered what she had said, how much her words had hurt Serena but she would never tell Bernie that. 

Although Serena knew she would never understand exactly what had happened to Bernie she knew she could never hurt her by telling her her words had hurt her last night. Serena knew that it wasn't Bernie speaking last night. She knew it was a side of Bernie she never normally let out but the emotion of the past couple of days had come to a head. Bernie needed to vent and unfortunately that was at Serena, the woman that she loved and who loved her just as much in return.

Bernie finally let go of Serena and spent a moment looking deep into her eyes. She could see a mixture of concern, worry, love and protection. Bernie understood Serena's love for her, she felt the same and knew she would do anything to protect her. 

The night before was hazy but Bernie was aware that she had probably said things she shouldn't have but she wasn't in the right frame of mind to make reference to these again. Instead she decided today was going to be about Serena, to make her see how much she loved her.

"I'll go and run you a bath, seeing as we have the day off, we could do something later, if you want, your choice" Bernie said.

"I think, I should be the one looking after you" Serena started but Bernie stopped her, the look of sadness in her eyes told Serena everything she needed to know. "Ok, Bernie, a bath would be great".

Bernie nodded and smile, she had felt like she had failed at the first hurdle, Serena didn't see her as this strong woman anymore but someone that needed protecting. She needed to prove Serena wrong and she knew today she would try and prove that.

Bernie had run the bath as planned and waited for Serena to submerge herself into the water before going downstairs to make some breakfast. She stood looking at the cupbaords for a while debating what to have, what would Serena most enjoy. 

Bernie looked through the cupboards and found cerals, fruit and pastries, all of them she decided. She had laid everything out on the kitchen table and set two places, put fresh coffe in the pot and poured two glasses of orange juice.

Serena was still in the bath by the time Bernie returned to the bedroom. Bernie made the bed before making her way to the bathroom. Serena had just started to rinse off her hair when she caught sight of Bernie's reflection in the mirror. 

"Here let me help" Bernie said as she started to rinse the shampoo from Serena's head.   
Serena said nothing but let Bernie do as she asked. After a couple of minutes Bernie had told Serena it was all gone, she was left in peace to get out the bath and get dressed.

Bernie left the bedroom and headed back to the kitchen and waiting for Serena. It didn't take long for Serena to emerge into the kitchen. She glanced at the table and felt a pang of guilt, she looked at all the food on the table and she looked at Bernie.

She was trying too hard and it just wasn't Bernie but how could Serena say anything. She did not want to set her back or upset her anymore than she already was. 

"This looks lovely" Serena said taking her plate.

Bernie just stared at her, watching Serena as she gathered some of the food before her.

"What are you having?" Serena asked noticing Bernie was not moving from her chair.

"I'll have some in a minute" Bernie said smiling at Serena.

Serena made an audible sigh and looked at Bernie. 

Within a matter of seconds Bernie had gathered handfuls of food onto her plate and was shovelling it into her mouth.

"Bernie stop" Serena said patiently, watching her partner, but Bernie wasn't listening.

"Stop!" Serena screamed so loudly Bernie froze. 

Serena felt tears falling down her face. She looked across at Bernie and noticed the same. The tension in the room felt like nothing could break it.   
Serena wanted to get up and go to Bernie's side but she wasn't sure if that would help. Bernie wanted to go to Serena but thought she wouldn't want her anywhere near her after this. Both sat not making eye contact with the other. 

Bernie was the first to stand, Serena didn't even look up as Bernie left the room. She heard the front door open and close and she couldn't control her emotions anymore. She sat at the table and sobbed, like she had never before. It was like a tap had been turned on, there was no way to stop it. She needed Bernie, she wanted Bernie but she didn't know how to cope with this and now Bernie had left.

Serena through the plate at the kitchen wall, watching the food hit the walls and floor before the plate smashed into pieces. She was still sobbing that she didn't hear the door open and close and didn't hear the footsteps behind her.

Bernie stood in the door frame, looking at the broken woman in front of her. Bernie knew this was her fault, she had caused this. She needed help, after all these years, she had finally found the other half of her and she wasn't prepared to lose that. She needed help and she needed Serena. 

Serena was still crying when Bernie placed her hand on her shoulder and hugged her from behind. Serena couldn't say anything, she felt like her whole world was closing in on her. She had been hurt in the past but nothing like this. These feelings were undescribable. 

"I thought you'd left" Serena stammered.

"Never" was all Bernie said. 

"You walked out" Serena said through her tears.

"I needed to get something, something I keep in the car" Bernie said.

This brought Serena's attention to something that Bernie was holding tightly in her hand. Without saying a word. Bernie placed the book on the table in front of Serena. 

Serena thumbed the front cover of the book, a simple black book and flipped through the pages. The hand writing was unmistakable, it was Bernie's. She caught sight of some of the words and shut the book placing her palm flat on the top of it.

"It's ok, I want you to read it" Bernie said. 

"Bernie, this, this, this is your diary and from the looks of it, it's not a recent one, the dates in here, they are when everything started" 

Bernie nodded. 

"Nobody has ever seen this Serena, you and you alone are the only one that ever will. I want you Serena, I need you and I love you. I need you to know everything about me. It will be hard though, there are questions you will have and i will answer them honestly, there are things you won't like me for" 

Serena stopped her. "Bernie, there is nothing you can tell me that would make me love you any less. I could never not like you. Believe me when i say that, but i need you to promise me something".

Bernie had moved round so she was kneeling by the side of Serena. 

"You need to go see a counsellor" Serena said looking straight into Bernie's eyes. She was exepcting some resistance but got none.

"Appointments booked for tomorrow afternoon if you can come with me? You might want to read what's in there first" Bernie said.

Serena could see the emotion in Bernie's eyes. "Of course I will come with you. Do you want me to read this Bernie." Serena asked. 

Bernie nodded. 

"Would you like to be with me when i do?" Serena asked. 

The emotion was too much for Bernie, she couldn't get any more words out she just nodded.

Serena knew that there were no words for this situation. She took Bernie by the hand and grabbed the diary with the other and lead her into the living room. She stopped and let go of the book watching it land on the chair. 

She looked at Bernie and knew she did not want her to let go of her hand like that, so she didn't. She walked to the curtians still holding her hand and drew them, leaving them in darkness.

Serena felt Bernie pull her closer, she could feel Bernie's heart beating and then she felt a soft gentle kiss on her lips before parting. That was enough, it was the reassurance they both needed. 

Serena walked over to the lamp still holding onto Bernie, then they both settled down onto the sofa, never once letting each other go. Serena leant forward to pick up the diary, opening the first page she read the first sentence and felt Bernie curl into her, keeping as much contact as possible.

"Today my life changed forever and not in a good way..."

Serena knew this was going to be tough, but she needed to do this for Bernie, she pulled her in closer and whispered, "I love you no matter what, don't ever forget that"


	10. Moving Froward

Serena did as Bernie asked, she read her diary. It was not an easy read. She had no idea of the pain that Bernie was hiding. Serena felt helpless. As she was reading tears stung her eyes, falling every now and then onto the pages, she noticed that there was already water marks on some of the pages. She imagined Bernie writing the pages, crying as she saw the words written down. Serena's heart swelled with love for her partner, she wanted to protect her even more. She didn't move Bernie even when she had finished reading, they stayed in the same position, Serena just holding Bernie. 

"Nothing, has changed Bernie, I still love you and I will never stop" Serena said in a soft voice as she kissed the top of her head. Bernie looked up, into the eyes of Serena and smiled through teary eyes. "I love you too" she replied.

The diary remained shut on Serena's knee, she couldn't bring herself to touch it at the minute, she didn't want to risk it opening and seeing those words again on any of the pages. She mood in the house was sombre, Serena felt like they had been stuck in the house too long. 

"Bernie, do you think we could go out somewhere?" Serena asked, "if not it's ok, but I think it would do us good."

Bernie pulled forward form Serena and looked at her.

"I was thinking the same, can I suggest somewhere?" Bernie asked.

As long as they were out the house Serena was happy, she nodded.

"The beach" Bernie replied.

Serena looked at her like she was mad. "The beach, at this time of night, in the cold?" Serena asked not looking sure.

"The beach, Serena, it's a different place at night, so peaceful. You can be alone with your thoughts and just listen to the sea. You would be surprised" Bernie replied.

"Well then, lets have a night time visit to the beach, but you can drive" Serena said half with a smile "and wrap up warm, it will be cold out."

It didn't take long for them both to have enough layers on to keep them warm in the cold night air. The drive to the beach was quiet, there was hardly any other cars on the road. The car journey was relatively quick and before Bernie knew it they were there.

Serena still looked unsure about the whole thing. She wasn't one for being out in the cold, let alone out near the sea but Bernie looked happy. Happier than Serena had seen her over the past couple of days. 

"Right then, shall we go for a walk?" Serena asked, she notice Bernie's eyes light up at the question.

"You don't mind?" Bernie asked looking for reassurance. 

Serena nodded, opened her car door and walked round to Bernie's side opened the door and held her hand out. Without a word Bernie accepted. She allowed Serena to lead the way. She didn't know where Serena was heading. She was just happy to be out.

Serena had took charge, she didn't know what Bernie wanted to do but felt she was doing the right thing. She got to the top of the steps that lead down to the sand and stopped. Bernie looked at her, a look that Serena knew and lead Bernie down the steps. She was surprised that the sea was still out for this time of night. Serena walked towards the rocks along the wall and sat in front of them and gestured for Bernie to sit with her, she obliged without saying anything. 

The pair sat side by side holding hands, looking in to the distance and listening to the sound of the waves breaking. Bernie breathed a deep breath inhaling the smell of the sea and Serena could see her instantly relax. 

"You're happy here, aren't you?" Serena asked as she pulled Bernie close to hold her.

"It's my happy place" Bernie replied. "I've never told anyone that"

Serena smiled, Bernie was getting better at opening up. She was still thinking when she heard Bernie. "You are the first person I have been to the beach with" 

"Have you never been with Marcus or the kids?" Serena asked shocked. 

"Never" was the reply, Serena wanted to press her more but thought about it. She waited patiently for any other words Bernie had. She didn't wait long.

"After everything, this was the only place I felt safe and I didn't want to share it with anyone, you know my marriage had so many problems, I didn't trust him and he didn't know about my past. I made excuses to avoid trips to the beach, as for family holidays being deployed helped with them." Bernie said. 

Serena noticed her tone had changed, she was talking with more confidence and determination. 

"I trust you Serena and you know my past and you are still here. I want to share my happy place with you. I want it to mean something else to me now." Bernie turned to look at Serena, she slowly kissed her, it took Serena a second to respond before she kissed her back. She had missed those lips, those kisses. She wanted Bernie to set the pace and had been waiting but she was happy with the kiss she had received. 

The two of them sat still in each others arms under the stars and listening to the waves. Serena felt Bernie relax, she could feel the difference in her body language, it was then she knew with time she would be ok, she would be stronger for this. For everything that had happened they could now share this special place, a safe place, that would mean two different things to each of them but they would still share it. 

A single tear fell from Serena's eye as she stared straight ahead.


	11. Going Forward

It was the early hours when Serena and Bernie returned home. The sun was just starting to rise. The whole journey back from the beach had been in silence. The night had been difficult for both of them, it was clear to see they were both exhausted. Bernie opened the car door first, as she stepped out she turned to notice Serena sat still with her seat belt on, she hadn't moved a muscle. This scared Bernie. She had opened up. Now Serena was acting strange. Bernie didn't know what to do. It had been a long time since she felt this vulnerable. She wanted Serena to be strong. To hold her and tell her everything would be ok but she knew that this wasn't going to be the case. Serena was trying to be strong, but it was difficult. Bernie knew what Serena had read in her diary, she knew she was still trying to process it.

Bernie wasn't sure whether to shut the car door and head into the house or get back inside the car. In the end she didn't need to make the decision. Serena appeared to remember where she was and quickly got out of the car making her way round to Bernie.

"I'm so sorry, Bernie, I was thinking" Serena started.

Bernie put up her hand to stop her. "You don't have to say anything" came her response. 

Serena through her arms around Bernie, "you're freezing, let's get you inside"

Bernie wasn't about to argue, spending those hours on the beach had made her cold. She allowed herself to be steered inside. Serena took charge, she lead her partner upstairs to the bedroom. It took a couple of minutes for Bernie to realise that Serena was getting things ready for bed. She had pulled out warm clothes to sleep in. She stood looking at a withdrawn Bernie and edged her way closer. She held out her arms, looking for confirmation that it was ok. Bernie didnt speak but nodded and moved closer to Serena. 

She allowed her to change her clothes. She enjoyed the feel of Serenas hands on hers, not in a sexual way this time, just a comforting way, she knew Serena would never hurt her and this made her feel safe, something in which she had never felt before. Bernie's previous partners hadn't been the best of people. She had met people that thought she was either a play thing or something to just use and abuse. 

Since meeting Serena she knew things were different. She felt love for the first time in her life. True love. While her mind was running through the past she had taken her eyes of Serena who was no longer stood infront of her. Bernie felt her breathing increasing, becoming rapid. Where had she gone. She was there one minute and gone the next. Her eyes scanned the room desperately searching for Serena. 

She found Serena less than two feet away, she was already in bed pulling back the covers silently inviting Bernie to join her. Bernie leapt into bed and straight into her arms, silent tears rolling down her cheek, making sure they were out of sight from Serena.

"You've a difficult afternoon later my love, you need to sleep" Serena said kissing the top of her head. 

Bernie was about to protest but thought against it, Serena was right, she knew the counselling session this afternoon was going to be one of the hardest things she would ever do. She needed all her energy.

"I will not leave you while you sleep, I promise and just to be clear, I will never leave you ever either. I just mean you can sleep peacfully knowing I am still next to you, holding you if you want me too" Serena said.

Bernie nodded, Serena pulled her closer, so Bernie's back was touching Serena's front, her arms wrapped around her waist. "I love you" Serena said quietly. "I love you too" came a reply.

Serena waited until she knew Bernie was asleep before breaking down. She was very aware that she was still holding Bernie and did not want to wake her but she could not hold it in any longer. She longed to help Bernie. To keep her safe, to erase the memories of the past, to remove the scars she had carried for so long, but she knew she couldn't. Serena felt helpless. She let the tears roll down her cheeks and memories of what she had read flood her mind. She promised Bernie there and then that she would never hurt again. Serena would make sure Bernie was safe every day for the rest of her life. She was too special and precious for her to have any more pain or suffering. 

Serena allowed herself to think of ways to show Bernie that she is different, to show her how much she means, how much she is loved. Serena had one idea. She had thought about it for a long time. She know's now is not the right time but she wanted to more than anything. She looked across the room at the antique dresser and thought about what was hidden inside. One day Serena thought. One day. She was still thinking of that when she felt herself drift off to sleep. She knew she needed it, she would need to strenght later to accompany Bernie to the counselling. Serena knew it wasn't all written in the diary, she knew that there was more. She wasn't sure how much more but she knew there was things Bernie still didn't want to admit. The next few weeks woudl be extremly difficult, she knew that but perhaps once they've got through those Serena can give Bernie the gift hidden in the dresser.


	12. Opening up

Before Bernie knew it it was time to leave for her first counselling session. She had thought about this day many a times but had always come up with an excuse to cancel. It was different this time, she had Serena. Serena who had promised to keep her safe, Bernie truly believed that she would. 

Sitting in the living room she sighed just as Serena walked in. 

“Do you want your scarf?” Serena asked with it in her hand. 

She noticed Bernie was sat clutching a piece of paper. She has holding it so tight it was crumpled around the edges. 

“Please” was the reply that came. 

Serena didn’t mention about the paper, she half hoped Bernie would offer the information herself without prompting. Serena was surprised when Bernie offered the paper to her. Serena reached out and smoothed the paper out. Her eyes glancing down at the paper. She said nothing as the paper fell to the floor as she hugged Bernie so tightly it was like her life depended on it. Bernie relaxed into her arms. 

It was Bernie who was first to break the silence, “I think we should go”. 

Serena nodded. “Do you want to drive?” Serena asked wanting to give Bernie the choice, she knew it would be a hard enough afternoon without putting Bernie under any more pressure. 

“Can you drive please?” She asked.

Serena was a little taken aback by this, she had expected Bernie to drive. She smiled and took the keys from the side. 

“Let’s go then” she said as she kissed her partner. 

The drive to the counsellors office didn’t take too long. For what should have been an awkward journey it wasn’t. There was no talking but singing along to the radio. 

Pulling up outside the office, suddenly things became very real for Bernie. She could feel her heart beginning to race. She looked across at Serena for reassurance. Serena had preempted it, she reached her and across and squeezed Bernie’s hand. 

Bernie gave a slight smile. “Let’s do this” Bernie said with her hand on the door. 

Serena gave a smile and nodded. The walk from the car to the door was short but with each step it felt like it was getting further away. Walking together hand in hand they made it all the way inside. 

Bernie looked at the chairs and the reception desk. 

“I’ll check you in, you go and sit down” Serena said. 

In total they sat in the waiting room for ten or so minutes before Bernie was called. 

The counsellor was a short women, a little over weight but pleasant looking. Bernie took a deep breath as she stood. She walked a couple of steps before realising Serena was still sat down. She held her hand out behind her waiting to feel Serena’s hand in hers, it was there in an instant. 

The counsellor smiled at them both and welcomed them into a small office. Bernie surveyed the room. There were three chairs, one near the window and two either side of a tiny desk. The counsellor introduced herself as Liz, she instructed Bernie in which seat to have and Serena had the other. 

She explained what the process was like. Bernie nodded suddenly feeling really vulnerable. It had been a long time coming and was needed but she felt frightened. 

Liz opened the floor to Bernie, advising her she could speak about anything she wanted. Nothing she could say would be wrong. 

Bernie nodded. It took a few minutes before Bernie felt comfortable enough to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want this to continue?


	13. Starting over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be advised that this chapter looks at eating disorders

Bernie kept her eyes focused on the floor as she started to speak. Her voice soft and gentle almost a whisper. 

“I don’t even know where to start. I know I need to talk about my past but it isn’t easy to talk about and it’s not easy to listen to. I was so scared at first about opening up but then I met Serena” she pointed her hand towards Serena who smiled at the mention of her name on Bernie’s lips.

“She has helped me more that she realised, she holds me when I’m upset she is the one constant in my life. I owe her and myself the truth, although I’m not saying it will be easy. I don’t want to start with any of the heavy stuff today, I need to work up to that. I would like to discuss my relationship with food though. I am not expected any answers or a magic wand, I just want an outlet to let some of the things out. I haven’t always had a bad relationship with food, when I was younger, well a child, I would eat everything in sight, I wasn’t over weight but would enjoy food. Things took a turn though when I turned sixteen. I will explain this more at later date but I met someone and that’s when this all started. I seemed to lose all control in my life and I hated it. I needed something to control and for me my eating was the one thing. I would starve myself for a couple of days at a time or eat one meal daily. I was also restricting water. I didn’t feel I needed it and I didn’t want it. I felt strong without and I liked that feeling. I know this is wrong, was wrong and still is. I try and fight it so much, even more so since I have met Serena. I have realised that with love you should be able to get over anything. There are times when I still struggle, where I don’t want to eat, where I don’t want to drink but I try. I feel guilty though at times when I don’t want to eat and I force myself. I then can spend days without eating to make up for it. I have tried to keep a record before but it upsets me when I see how little I have eaten. I want to be able to eat anything. I want to be able to go anywhere to eat with Serena without worrying about portion size or what will people will think if I can’t finish something” 

Serena could see Bernie was becoming frustrated. She mouthed I love you at her which seemed to relax her.

The rest of the session lasted for another half an hour or so in which Bernie spent most of the time listening to the counsellor.

“Can I make another appointment?” Bernie asked. 

Serena let out a little gasp. She hadn’t realised anyone else heard.

Bernie gave a little smile.

The date was booked for the following week. The walk back to the car was silent but they walked hand in hand.

“How are you feeling?” Serena asked trying to hold back her pride at her partners willingness to be open.

Bernie took a few seconds before answering. “I actually feel ok” came her reply, she reached her hand across and held onto Serena.

“There is finally light at the end of the tunnel and it is because of you Serena”

Serena smiled, her eyes filling with tears.

“You can cry you know Serena, I forget I have lived with this for years, you are hearing it for the first time”

It was all Serena needed.

“I’m so sorry” she stammered.

“Don’t apologise” Bernie said gripping her hand tighter. “I am finally getting better and it is because of you, I will be stronger because of you, I am stronger because of you. If it is too much you don’t have to come next week.”

“Bernie, no matter how hard it gets to listen too I will always be here and with you. I just wish I could have protected you” 

“You do. Now wipe those eyes and come one, lets go and get a coffee?” Bernie said for the first time in a long time she smiled with her eyes.


	14. Starting again

The rest of the day seemed uneventful. The reminder of the earlier counselling session was starting to weigh heavy on Bernie’s mind. She remembered vocalising the words she’s held in for so long and it made her anxious. She had thought the words over and over before but never out loud. Never to a stranger and never to someone who she loved with all her heart. 

She sat curled up on the sofa, just watching Serena complete some of her paper work. She could only see the profile of her, the room only lit with with light from the tv on in the background and the lamp that sat on the table by Serena’s side. 

Bernie let her thoughts drift away with her. She had expected to have her normal negative thoughts but tonight was different. Tonight her mind was thinking of Serena, of her love for her, of their life that had been already. She smiled an internal smile. 

The switching off of the tv brought Bernie back out of her thoughts. She looked up and realised Serena was stood next to her. 

“You have the sweetest smile” Serena said holding out her hand to pull Bernie up. 

Bernie was still coy at times. Her cheeks blushed a pale pink but offered her hand. 

“I was thinking we should probably go to bed? It’s been a long day and you’ve been through enough” Serena said maybe a little tentative for her. 

Bernie nodded. 

“You’re right, although it is a little early and I’m not exactly tired yet. I know what I want to do but not sure you’ll agree” Bernie said, a little glint in her eye. 

“Bernie, do you think that’s a good idea?” Serena gasped. The look of shock in her eyes. 

“Not that Serena” Bernie laughed. 

“Oh good! No not oh good. You know. I want. But.” Serena was getting tongue tied. 

“Serena calm down. I was joking. I would love to do that but right now it’s not fair on you, not when my mind isn’t focused on you. Although, I was thinking we could go and use that bath you insisted we bought. It’s big enough for four yet we never use it.” 

Serena smiled. She had missed being intimate with Bernie and she wanted to be with her again but she knew it wasn’t right for either of them. Their relationship was more than that. It could survive without it. It made it stronger. 

“I think you’ll remember you pestered me for weeks before I agreed. I seem to think you told me that with all the fancy features including the jacuzzi mode would help our ageing bodies after a long day”

Bernie laughed, “who’s got an ageing body? I haven’t and you, my lovely certainly haven’t. You’ve the sexiest one I’ve seen. Now I’ll go and start running it, candles, music? How about a glass of wine too?”

Serena didn’t know how to reply. She saw the look on Bernie’s face. 

“Serena, I’m in a much better place. I’m not drinking to forget. I won’t get nasty. I’m having a drink, in a fancy bath, with candles, music and the women I love”

Serena nodded and headed to the kitchen. She poured two glasses of red wine before heading upstairs. Just like Bernie had said, the bath was almost run, candles had been lit and there was some soft music playing in the background. 

Serena handed the glasses to Bernie who put them gently on the side. She then turned off the bath and pressed a button starting the jacuzzi bubbles. 

Serena reached for the light switch leaving the candles as the only light. 

“Are you sure you want this?” Serena asked. 

Bernie didn’t need words to reply. She slowly unbuttoned Serena’s blouse. 

“I think this gives you an answer. You truly as spectacular”

Serena felt herself stiffen a little. She was nervous. She wanted this but didn’t want Bernie to feel she had to. 

“Please, if you need to or want to stop at any time please do.” 

Bernie nodded as she took her own top off. She embraced Serena and let her lips find Serena’s. She kissed her gently while undoing her trousers. Serena did the same back. 

Bernie took a step back to look at her love before getting into the water and gesturing for Serena to join her. 

Before getting in Serena grabbed the glasses of wine. The water hit her with a bit of force causing her to fall forward splashing Bernie causing them both to laugh. 

This was something they had both missed. Laughing and joking about things. 

They spent an hour in the bath, just talking, looking at each other, wanting each other but they refrained. They spent the time enjoying relaxing together. Just being with each other. 

Serena started to shiver as the water turned colder. 

“Think it’s time we got out, don’t you?” Bernie said as she stood up. 

Serena nodded. 

Bernie was the first out. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her before grabbing Serena’s. She wrapped it around her and held her tight. 

They stayed in the embrace for a couple of minutes. Just breathing in each other’s scent. 

Bernie was the first to move. She held out her hand for Serena to follow her, she lead her to the bedroom. Bernie sat her on the bed. 

“Stay there” Bernie said with a smile so genuine Serena felt her heart melt. 

Serena nodded, never taking her eyes of her love. She had made her way to their wardrobe. Bernie was searching for something, Serena could hear mumbling, something Bernie always did when she was searching for things. 

It took a couple of minutes before she seemed to find what she was looking for. 

Serena kept her eyes focused on Bernie. There was something in her hand. She couldn’t make out what it was at first. It took a while to figure out Bernie was stood in front of her holding a box.


	15. The same

Serena didn’t say anything she just looked. Her attention focused on Bernie’s eyes. She had noticed them before, many a times, but this time it was different. They sparkled. Something Serena had never seen in anyone. 

“Serena, I” Bernie started. 

Serena smiled. 

“Serena, I never thought I could feel like this with anyone. I’m even more surprised that it’s with a woman but I wouldn’t change a thing about it, about us, about you. You have taught me so much in this space of time already. It’s not easy with me I know. There are times when I am completely unreasonable. There are times that I know you just want to leave me be but you don’t and I love you for that. I’m hoping as things get easier with the counselling things will get even better. I know it’s not an easy road but with you by my side I know I can achieve anything.” Bernie was smiling, suddenly going all shy. 

She was holding tightly the box in her right hand, her finger tracing the edge. Serena stood from the bed and went to her draw. She traced the handle before pulling it open. She reached in towards the back and pulled out a tiny wooden box. 

“Bernie, I’m going to look so stupid if this isn’t what I think it is. If not it sure feels right. I agree. I never thought I would have these feelings for a woman ever but you have turned my life around and upside down in a way I would never change. You are the sunshine to my day. You make everything brighter. I am hard to be with at times. I stress to easily and just want to protect everyone, I know I can’t always and have to let people grow. You are helping me be a better person and I want to continue with that. I want to continue with you” Serena said. 

Both laughed, “well this isn’t what I expected in my grand plan” Bernie laughed. 

“Neither did I” Serena said. “How shall we do this?”

“On the count of three?” Bernie asked. “But before we do, I know that there would be a better time for me to ask. I didn’t ever imagine this after my first counselling session but this evening made me realise I have you, I have us to live for. I will get through anything and that’s because I have you. So, ready?” 

Serena nodded. 

“1...2...3” they counted together before each opening the box they held. 

They laughed as they saw what the others contained. Two near identical rings, a simple yet elegant platinum band complete with a single diamond. 

No words were exchanged at this point. Their mouths slightly opened in awe at the rings. 

Serena was the first to move. She picked the ring from her box and gently reached for Bernie’s left hand. She placed the ring on her ring finger “I will always be with you, you are never alone” she said. 

A tear fell from Bernie’s eye. She took the ring from her box and placed it on Serena’s ring finger on her left hand. “I will love you always and never leave you” Serena reached Bernie’s face to wipe the tears. 

“I love you, they said in unison”. 

“I know I said we shouldn’t but please Serena, let’s go to bed?” Bernie said with a smile.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick update.

That night Bernie slept through. It was the first time in a long time. When she finally woke she felt rested. She opened her eyes to see Serena already way into her book. 

“Morning, what time did you wake?” Bernie asked. 

Serena glanced at the clock, “a couple of hours ago, you looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you”

Bernie smiled as she stretched. “Stay here. Don’t move” she said as she bounced out of bed throwing on her lounge wear. 

Serena knew better than to disagree. She just nodded and went back to her book watching Bernie leave the room. 

Bernie was gone for twenty minutes or so before she bumped her way back into the room. She brought with her a tray full of things for breakfast. She saw Serena’s face. 

“It’s for both of us” Bernie said without missing a beat. 

Serena smiled as she pulled back the covers. Bernie didn’t need a second invite. She placed the tray between them and got back under the covers. 

“Well this certainly is a treat. Although I’m not sure we needed everything from the kitchen” Serena laughed. 

Bernie was a little tentative at first but soon relaxed and started to tuck into the food. 

“Serena, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve asked Henrik over today.” Bernie said. 

Serena didn’t know what to say. 

“You are here to support me and I can try and support you at the minute but I don’t think I’ll be much use. I want you to have someone you can talk to. I want to explain to him what’s going on with me to help you” Bernie said. 

Serena stuttered “Bernie, you don’t have to do that. You do support me”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. I just phoned him and he will be here in a couple of hours” Bernie said with authority. 

“As long as you are sure, don’t push yourself to share anything you don’t want to, would you like me to leave you to speak to him yourself?” Serena asked. 

“Absolutely not.” Bernie came back lightening quick. “This is to help us both. Henrik is already aware of my plans. He seemed keen to help. He really does think a lot about you. Now come on, let’s eat this breakfast”


	17. Chapter 17

There was a loud knock on the front door. 

“Serena, Henrik is here” Bernie shouted up the stairs as she answered the door. “Henrik, welcome, come in.” 

“Bernie, Serena good to see you.” Henrik half nodded as he spoke. 

Bernie appeared to take charge of the situation. This was something that appeared to surprise both Henrik and Serena. Usually Bernie was the one shying away, leaving the old friends to take the lead. 

Serena smiled and Henrik seemed to understand. 

“Tea, coffee” Bernie asked half way to the kitchen. 

“Coffee would be lovely” Henrik replied. 

“Me too please” Serena shouted. 

“How have you been Henrik?” Serena asked. 

“Oh you know me. Everything is as it should” he replied. “How are things here, I was surprised to get a call this morning from Bernie, she seemed eager for me to be here. For you.” 

Serena looked away. “She’s worries I’ll need support. But she’s wrong. I can support her. I don’t need to talk about what she tells me. I don’t want her to have to tell anyone else. I don’t want her to feel pressured” Serena began. 

“Serena, you know that’s not the case.” Bernie cut in as she walked through the door carrying the drinks on a tray. 

“I want to do this. If it’s ok with Henrik. I saw how it effected you when I was talking. I know I have you but you can’t really talk about me to me can you, not honestly anyway. I want you to be able to let of steam.” Bernie said. 

“I think that’s an excellent idea” Henrik said. 

Serena glared at him. 

“Don’t look like that. You know it makes sense Serena. This is going to be a tough process. That first session was just the beginning. There’s more still to come and I don’t know how you will react. I need to know you’ll be ok to. That you can cope with my past” Bernie said. 

Serena nodded and the same time Henrik did. He agreed with Bernie. Serena had been one of the first people he had met when he arrived at work. He thought a lot of her and would do anything to protect both Serena and Bernie. 

“Well Henrik, thank you for doing this. I know it will help. I know you are briefly aware and thank you for giving us both some time off. I want Serena to be able to come to you and discus anything with you after each of my counselling sessions. She’s been so strong but I know it will take it’s toll. She knows she doesn’t have to attend any of the sessions but she won’t take no for an answer and neither will I” Bernie said. 

“Very well Bernie. When would you like this to start?” He asked. 

“If you’ve no objections, now, please” she replied. 

Serena looked taken aback. “Bernie, if you want more time to think about it, you don’t have to decide right now”. 

“My minds made up Serena, I need to do this. There will be times when I will prefer to tell Henrik to make sure he can be there for you properly but otherwise I want you to talk to him” Bernie replied. 

Henrik nodded. “I will do this anyway you need”. 

Bernie nodded, “thank you. Right if it’s ok, I’m going to leave you two alone for you to talk” 

Serena was about to protest but Henrik spoke, “thank you Bernie”.


	18. Chapter 18

Bernie closed the door behind her and headed upstairs. She knew it was the right thing to do, for her and Serena, she needed support through this too. It was her idea and she was more open to talking to Henrik than she thought perhaps because she didn’t know him as well but she knew Serena needed him. In a different way to needing her of course. She headed to her bedroom and sat down on the bed with a heavy sigh. She could hear voices downstairs but couldn’t make out any words. She felt she needed to get out the house she wanted to give Serena the privacy to say what she wanted without worrying about Bernie hearing anything. She pulled on her running gear and bounced down the stairs two at a time. 

“Serena, I’m going for a run, be back soon” Bernie shouted. 

Before she opened the door Serena was there with a worried look on her face. Bernie couldn’t help but laugh. 

“I’m literally going for a run Serena, I have my phone on me and you know I’ve installed that app so you can see where I am. And don’t even think about protesting about it, I did it out of choice I don’t want you to worry about me and I don’t want to hide anything so you will always know where I am” 

Serena nodded she hadn’t been happy about the app but Bernie was adamant that it was staying. 

“Love you now get back to Henrik and talk” Bernie said as she kissed Serena’s nose. 

“Love you too” she called after Bernie as she had already made her way out the door. 

Serena didn’t know how to feel. It was the first time they had been apart and Serena was terrified that Bernie wouldn’t return. She was scared, she had never felt so scared. She didn’t know how long she had been stood at the door before she remembered she wasn’t alone in the house. Henrik was there. 

As always Henrik knew what she needed. He had contemplated going to see her but thought she needed the time on her own. She needed to process her thoughts before she spoke to him. It took around ten minutes for Serena to come back into the room. 

“I’m so sorry Henrik” Serena started. He held up hid hand, “ no don’t apologise Serena. It’s ok, it will all be ok” he said as he stood. Henrik has always been awkward and although he always knew what to say he was never sure about how to comfort through contact but he knew Serena. He knew she needed physical comfort, Serena needed a hug and he would oblige even if it made him uncomfortable. 

“Bernie is strong Serena. She has been emailing me, she’s been through some awful things but she’s getting through it. She tells me you need to talk. You need to be able to not censor what you’re saying and thinking and she knows you do around her. This is why she wants you to talk to me.” 

Serena nodded. “It’s so hard Henrik. She’s been through hell and I can’t change that. I’ve read her diary and I’m so angry, not with her but with her family, her so called friends, Marcus. How could he not have known what she was going through. How did she hide it?” Serena had so many questions none that Henrik could answer. 

“We both know Bernie, we know how tough she pretends to be. She loves you Serena that’s why she opened up. We both know Marcus was something she thought she had to. She’s told me many a times Marcus meant nothing to her. She’s been clear to me about that. Her face lights up talking about you Serena but she’s scared that what she’s telling you will put you off her she’s worried you will walk away. I have reassured her but she is still cautious” 

Serena nodded. “I could never leave her Henrik. She’s the best part of my life. I can’t imagine life without her god I can’t imagine life before her now. She’s my world. I just wish I could help her more. I wish I could take the pain away” 

Henrik held onto Serena’s hand, I think you’re doing that already Serena. She will never lose the pain that she has carried with her all these years but you are helping her come to terms with it. You are what she needs, never stop being you” Henrik said as he squeezed her hand. 

“No, never stop” Bernie said, she stood in the door way, she had quietly let herself in not to disturb them but she had listened to Henrik and he was right. Serena was special and she would never stop being special to Bernie, Serena didn’t have to change Bernie wanted to get better for herself but also for Serena she wanted nothing to spoil the rest of their time together no matter how long they had left.


End file.
